Twenty-eight. An age overwhelmed with engagements and weddings and babies and apparently this desperate idea of ‘now or never’ if it doesn’t look like it’s happening for you in this decade.
I recently celebrated my twenty-eighth birthday with a relationship status of SINGLE. Mind you, I’ve done this for nine consecutive years. Quite the accomplishment, I know. Even though some may find this alarming, rather than something to be proud of. You must let me explain my perspective; because it’s very easy to fall in love with the wrong person.
I am also officially the LAST single friend. All of my closest girlfriends are in serious relationships where they are at least living with their significant other. I’ve learned being the last single friend is everything stereotypical you could imagine, especially in your late twenties.
I’m the friend everyone turns up with between relationships. The friend that never sees ‘& guest’ on wedding invites; even when you’re in the bridal party. The friend that has to explain to the newly single friend that running pussy first at every man between relationships isn’t “doing you because you’re SINGLE”. It has nothing to do with being single and everything to do with hoe tendencies, baby girl.
I always knew this was how my love life would go down too. I felt it when I was like 13. As soon as the grammar school squad was full blown interested in boys, I could sense the hunger and dependence was deeper in some women.
In case anyone is this far in and thinks I’m a hater, I’m honestly not even the single type. Legit faithful to my non-existent boyfriend. I’m not a scorned woman writing this post either. Yes, I fell for the bad boy back in the day buffet (and yes he did completely screw me over) BUT I promise I no longer carry baggage. I just learned the most valuable lesson. Time and energy should not be wasted.
It occurs to me that I can mentally handle the stress that comes with being single and not crack under society’s conforming pressure of a marital status. Even after years of loneliness, I refuse to settle. (That ever so confrontational and offensive word to everyone in a relationship.)
Just because it isn’t happening for me while it’s happening for my girls, doesn’t frighten me into immediately thinking never. They’re on their own journey. I stay hopeful in what’s meant for me will be mine, and it ain’t no fuck boy. So why waste my time?
I’m straight holding myself down. Never bitter, and always acknowledging how real true-love actually is because I am surrounded by so many happy, healthy, balanced relationships. I’m truly thankful for that.
Most of the time, I am happily tagging along as the third or fifth wheel even though family and friends alike wish “I would just find someone already”. I shit you not, this past May, even my gyno made a comment, “still haven’t found that special someone, huh?” whilst performing a pap smear. Dead ass serious. Like, I get it health risks after 35, so on and so on, but really?
Trust me no one can hear the sound of my biological clock any clearer or louder than myself. The best way to describe you know your body is telling you it’s one true instinctual desire is to procreate, is when you catch yourself smelling someone else’s baby.
As a result of my uterine walls aching, I feel like I subconsciously force myself to date as much as possible even if the vibe is only on one level; just to be on some romantic frequency. Single and totes ready to mingle. Always on the prowl but if I catch one bad vibe, I just can’t pretend. I’m out.
For all these reasons and oh so many more I feel I am a logical and purposeful person to take an opinion on ‘settling’ from. Op! Said it again. Plus I’m a blatantly honest type of person so this should be fun.
I know the pain of ‘putting yourself our there’ and dating in 2017 is in fact a nightmare. Everyone always has a suggestion as to what I’M doing WRONG as to why I’m still single. People assume things like because I don’t have an online dating profile, I’m clearly not actively looking.
I personally resorted to Tinder after I hit a two year dry spell when I was 25, and decided profile style speed dating is not really for me. For example… “Jabari 35. Just window shopping. Hung and Fun”… did not get a right swipe.
I took the hint fairly quickly that this particular platform was not exactly what they were referencing in the search for a lifelong partner but I didn’t care; cobwebs were forming and I desperately craved the weight of a man on top of me.
Bullshit date, after bullshit date only reinforced all the reasons why I was the perpetually single friend.
One Tinder-nightmare in particular; the guy was telling me he was currently trying to get fired so he could collect unemployment. I shit you not. I’m over here working two jobs and this lazy shmuck thinks he’s on my level because I swiped right due to my weakness for tattoos and perfectly groomed facial hair? Check, please.
I found the most irritating part of the experience to be that you could pick up on the annoyance in these damn near 30 year old boys voices when I suggested we meet at a bar instead of at their place to ‘Netflix and chill’. It’s actually alarming the minimal lack of effort some men put into the courting process.
Majority of women are just falling for recycled shit that worked once; so a man spits the same game, hoping to get the same response because that cookie is all his mind is on. No quality, thoughtfulness or ounce of genuine in most approaches.
My favorite thing to do, right before a man thinks he’s in the clear, is to ask him what my name is. Fuck boys are always clueless.
Now I’m going to go off on a tangent real quick, but I promise there’s a point so stay with me. Your girl will always bring it full circle, I promise.
Every single type of bird is a different species. There are 10,000 living species of birds and 90% of them are monogamous! That’s right, those feathery little stinkers manage to mate for life without a government issued piece of paper.
The f e m a l e chooses who is worthy of mating for life with her. The males must be the most vibrant of colors, sing the most beautiful of songs, find the prettiest pebble on the beach; all in hopes of locking down a bad one for life.
So why is it that one of the most prehistoric related species in 2017 can expect the male to put in all the initial effort but my happy ass has to sit here debating who should text whom first, because #feminism?
I’m sorry, but fuck that. I’m going to side with females in majority of other species, on this great big beautiful planet we live on, and let the males work for it.
As the last single friend, a group of gentleman have been kind enough to adopt me and my need to get lit. I see from the inside how hungry they all are if they aren’t in a relationship.
Based on how they look at women, talk about women and even share women in some instances; I can assure you they are always hunting. And this particular group of men is actually very respectful. I can only imagine how other groups of men, not of their caliber respond to women.
Men are hunters, they go after what they want. If it’s you, and they think you’re the one, you’ll know. If he doesn’t immediately see something in you and feel a fire under his ass to have you exclusively, he probably won’t be ravishing you in the bedroom anyway.
I understand some men are a lot more relentless than others but I think there is a lot to be said about a person’s character if they go after something they want with confidence.
If he wants something more serious he’ll treat you differently (period) Starting with not ghosting you if you don’t sleep with him by the second date.
Personally, I’m absorbing everything a man does from the moment the interaction starts. Actions as simple as opening the door for me or even if he’s put thought into the establishment he’s taken me to, never go unnoticed. If I don’t feel his game is proper on the first date, is it really worth going on a second?
Reasons a first date did not lead to a second date:
- Littered in front of me.
- Treated the server poorly.
- Did not pick up the tab.
All the hardcore, hairy-legged feminist just stopped reading and are judging my value as a woman after that I’m sure, but hear me out.
I’m noticing these behavior traits. Acknowledging kindness, generosity, and thoughtfulness. All qualities I refuse to “settle” for.
AND CHIVALRY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH EQUALITY.
Being a feminist means you believe in social, political and economic equality. To me that doesn’t mean I should throw all gentleman like tendencies out the window when qualifying a partner because I think I deserve a right to vote or own property.
Equality is an idea created to establish fairness in an evolved society. Mating is instinctual; and a good man’s instincts tell him to take care of what is his. See the difference?
I am fully capable of opening a door for myself but a man opening the door for me shows respect. Those are the men that disrespect you proper behind closed doors. I don’t care if it’s more trendy to pay for half of dinner. I find it an endearing for a man to feel the need to provide.
I have a desire to be nurturing and understanding. I expect for a man to want to provide and protect. 2017 or not it’s what we’ve evolved from. Hunters and gathers. If he can’t acknowledge his instinctual responsibilities, I don’t want him.
Like what if a Zombie Apocalypse actually does happen? I can’t have any dead weight on my team. Byeeeeeee. I need a man that I can trust is going to be able to handle his own and then some. Clyde to my Bonnie. No weak ass bs. I want a teammate. An equal.
Color me guilty for having ridiculously high standards but how do you think a man is going to be treating you six months down the line, if he isn’t even opening doors for you on the first date?
If anything he is on his best behavior on the first date because he’s still trying to get that cookie. A man is always showing you who he is. Some women are just not paying attention. They’re looking past the negative, making excuses, focusing on a few positive things, sweeping all red flags under the rug.
I learn something from every date, as cheesy as it sounds. Qualities I desire, won’t tolerate, and why. It’s been one giant experience of getting to know myself. I also realized that I’m actually a decent person of quality character, which lead to me placing my pussy on an even higher pedestal.
At twenty-eight, I have a good sense of self. Who I am, and what I want out of life; based solely on my opinions and rooted in my beliefs, ironically because I’ve been single. Now it’s easy to figure out the type of person I’d want to be with for the rest of my days, because I know what makes me happy.
As a monogamous type of person, I’m dating to get married and go halvsies on babies with someone I enjoy spending time with. Correct me if I’m wrong but that’s the desired end result of dating, isn’t it? I wouldn’t get serious with a man if he didn’t have the same expectations.
I can’t entertain the idea of exclusively dating someone if I didn’t think he had the potential of being ‘the one’. I legit have a million other things I would rather be doing than entertaining a mediocre connection.
I can’t lie. The loneliness and droughts get more unbearable with age. The older I grow without consistent dick in my life, the more demanding to the universe I get. Like I’m done playing games send me this mf already. 28 and still no birthday sex?! Alright, now he better know how to hang a light fixture… AND do it without being asked.
Just takes the initiative to like chop wood and shit.
While I watch.
Drinking a Margarita.
Being the single friend these past nine years doesn’t put me in a position of “not understanding how hard it is to be in a relationship”. I’ve been invested in all of my close friends’ relationships. I’m always observing each relationship from a couple different perspectives. In some cases, a healthier perspective mainly because I’m not involved intimately.
After being the shoulder to cry on in easily 20+ breakups; I’ve concluded that, yes, two different individuals with two different opinions coming together is in fact a team effort. I also see plenty of teams that get the job done with out it feeling like hard labor.
If you barely get a long a month into it why are you still “working on things” a year later? Or planning a wedding? That’s not going to solve anything, just give you legal headaches in the future.
Most of the relationships ended based on the fact that it shouldn’t be that difficult to make each other happy. To me this is another determining factor if you are settling.
Choosing a life because you felt the need for companionship was stronger than INDIVIDUAL happiness.
You really need to love the shit out of you in order to attract someone who loves the shit out of you.
Once you start to truly love yourself, you’ll determine your worth. You will understand the importance of a partner reflecting the qualities you admire most in yourself.
The happiest people, within themselves, are in a state of balance between mind, body, and soul. Your counterpart, should contribute to this balance. If both have a great understanding of who they are, then there is only room for growth.
The vibe needs to be as good as my own company. Better.
I do believe another level of happiness can come from a life long relationship; if it is healthy, balanced, and vibes are positive on all frequencies of being.
There are four frequencies you and your soul mate will undoubtedly vibe on. You should have a sense of which levels you vibe on by the fourth date, e s p e c i a l l y if you don’t let sex cloud your judgment.
As cognitive thinking beings, we connect with others mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.
First and foremost, you must laugh together! Hard and often. Flat out necessary. Tell me it’s not the best feeling in the world to have some one get your sense of humor?
The most natural desired state of being is joyful. A life full of laughter is a life full of joy.
Now, even if you have the same sense of humor you may not have the same interests, hobbies or passions.
Some people want to sip tea and read a book; some people want to drop acid at music festivals; some people want both. If you’re somebody that wants both, get you somebody that is down for both!
There’s a lid for every pot. Everyone is entitled to their version of happiness as long as they aren’t intruding on someone else’s.
As lame as it sounds, I’ve made a list of like ten things my ideal man will be interested in. Sorry, I’m a Virgo, I love lists. In actuality, I only really need for him to enjoy sharing in two things for my heart to be the happiest. Dancing and Traveling.
Imagining my life tearing up dance floors all over the world with my best friend is the ultimate picture of happiness for me. Anything else we enjoy doing together would just be sprinkles on top. Well…
Maybe he also needs to be down for Burning Man
And playing chess on rainy Sunday mornings.
To me, sharing a life with someone who loves all the same things you do, is the most beautiful and fulfilling way to live.
The level of sensitivity within each other needs to be understood. Empathy and compassion towards one another’s emotional needs, is imperative.
If someone needs to talk about their feelings, being with someone who is willing to listen seems rather important. A sensitive person relying on someone who is emotionally unavailable as their life partner, is a catalyst for an emotional breakdown.
Sharing in the same morals and values, especially with intent to have children, I feel is a requirement. A similar perspective on right from wrong.
If you catch your partner in a lie about something insignificant, they are showing you they are comfortable with telling lies in general.
There are individuals who need to hear they are loved every day. There are people who see nothing wrong with this and are happy to be just as communicative about their feelings.
You will never get any where patronizing your significant other for being themselves, and most adults are not capable of change with out a life altering experience. People are who they are and only deepen their roots with age.
I can’t elaborate on this too much because it’s simply chemistry. We feel it with friends, family, even animals. It’s hard to explain because it’s an intangible vibe. You feel it or you don’t.
When there is familiarity and simplicity in some one else’s presence, that is an undeniable soul mate. A genuine sense of wholeness. A calming touch. Someone who gets you without explanation.
A place to recharge.
Resonating on a deeper level means you can live your most authentic life with your partner. You’re loved for who you are, with out judgment.
Not all soul mates will be life long. Some you cross paths with at specific times for specific reason. As beings of free will; we can hold onto things forever because they once felt right, or we can acknowledge when something is no longer meant for us.
Leaving something that has become toxic is okay.
No matter how much time has been invested.
In fact it is imperative to growth, because you are stepping out of the comfort zone of life as you once chose it.
When mutual love enters your life, only hold onto that for as long as it holds true. If it ever feels like it is no longer bringing you towards your highest self or the other is not making your happiness a priority, let it be.
Connecting emotionally, intellectually and spiritually is the truest and strongest foundation in any type of relationship. What makes your relationship with your man or girl different than that of a true bestie?
It’s the fourth area, physically, that reveals the highest and truest level of intimacy with another soul.
I find it funny that most people are involved physically before they’ve even taken the time to explore each other’s minds. There have been instances where I’ve received dick pics before I’ve even shaken hands with a man.
It sucks having an old soul in a socially destroyed world.
I wouldn’t describe myself as prude but I am 100% picky. Seriously, you should keep that pussy on a pedestal because casual sex is so bad for your root chakra. I’m just saying.
You should be very selective till you find a good one.
I do feel every woman should be turned out, really able to explore her sexuality. If anything I’m thankful for getting my bad boy experience out of the way young. He showed me how to own what I’m working with. Helped me love these long legs, and thick hips. It’s amazing what a man worshiping the female form can do for a woman’s confidence.
I think everyone deserves to experience the highest level of comfort and sexuality with their forever partner.
If you’re not being satisfied on all four levels you will inevitably feel unbalanced over time. For example, the best sex you’ve ever had may satisfy the physical and emotional entities of your being but does not satisfy the mind and the soul. Those desires will have a constant need to be matched. Essentially causing you to look elsewhere to fill that void.
Balance and happiness go hand in hand.
You shouldn’t force a connection because you’re too scared of starting over or crippled by the thought you don’t deserve better.
I hate going all ‘Confessions of a Wallflower’ on you but I’ve never heard anything more real. WE ACCEPT THE LOVE WE THINK WE DESERVE! That’s why settling is a term. Because someone from outside of the relationship believed the person in the relationship, deserved a better lover.
Have a true understanding of how you want to be treated, and then hold your partner responsible for treating you properly.
It is so important while dating to comprehend that people are constantly showing you who they TRULY are at any given moment. Acknowledge it. Don’t look past these crucial details based on society established credentials. Do not let income be a deciding factor.
Side Note: A HUGEEEEE thank you needs to go to my bestie, Nathaly, for coordinating the most magical way to enter my 28th year.
Whether you’re 28 or 22, forever single or newly single, if it hasn’t happened for you yet don’t worry. It’s going to be worth the wait.
Be continuously growing into a person who can expect more. Do you so hard that you’re on the track to the best version of yourself when you cross paths with your baby daddy.
You know it’s not too absurd for a woman to hold her own till she finds an equal.
Being able to say you’re single if it’s for reasons similar to mine I feel is something to be proud of. It’s very easy to fall for a fuck boy disguised as a sweet boy. Find a good man.
Especially when you constantly have to question yourself when someone close tells you to “stop being so picky”. Why should you not be? You’re choosing the person you have to literally wake up next to every single morning.
That’s a lot.
Have high standards.
Until next time kittens!